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Wednesday, July 13, 2016

@ 11:56 PM

东京2016

had it been that long since i last blogged?

seeing the last post being oct 2 2015, made me feel like as if time had just decided to go by so fast and now reaching the 2nd half of 2016. what have i been doing throughout the end of 2015 and to the first half of 2016.

these days i have been reflecting a lot by myself and about my life. and sometimes it just made me think once again if i am doing the right thing again. idk what is happening to me but i just feel that i have changed so much and im not pursuing what i wanted to once again.

the close ones around me would have known that i was being accepted to become a bg dancer before christmas last year. i would say it was my dream job, the job which i ever wanted. able to dance for a living and being to be so close to celebrities.. who doesnt like that? the glamour and glitz and perhaps being sns famous? sounds pretty desirable.

but i left merely after 2 days of training. thinking back again i told myself that i would not regret leaving the agency. i am not regretful. what i am regretful was that why did i go for the audition at that time. perhaps it was god telling me that it was not meant for that job. idk. may be i was not. may be i was. the reason why i am starting to feel again was because the idea and concept of being a dancer still intrigues and draws my attention. i cant help but watch the team's dance practice video and made me think 'what if i've stayed on? what if i've endured that tiring and exhausting training period? would i be with them too?' i learnt that had i stayed on, it wouldnt be possible for me to reunite with my family back home early this 2016, and i wouldnt be able to had fun travelling with my bf. i guessed i had to sacrifice for something. it made sense. i wasnt able to give up all those which i had only gained and i guessed i had decided to give up the chance of being a bg dancer. many around me encouraged me to continue and keep dancing. yes i will. but i felt like i wasnt as confident as i used to be. i dont feel like im dancing as carefree as i used to be. broadcasting dance and street dancing are so different. through the 2 years in dt i felt that i found myself but in that mere 2 days of training, i was being conformed into someone whom i did not want to be and through that everything just broke. it seemed like i have weak mentality or sth. maybe i do. idk either.

up till now, i am still trying to find my way back. perhaps i might try an audition again. idk. perhaps not the same one or maybe through other chances i might still be able to work in the dance scene. somehow. i hope.

one of my recently closed friend asked me what am i going to do for the rest of my holidays. i told him most probably just prepare for 고연전 soon. and he asked me are u just gonna dance my holidays away. yes. ive thought of finding a part time job and preparing for goyeonjeon but i thought about focusing on one thing at a time. yes. i feel like through the start of this year i have been losing focus on what i wanted to do. i want to read a book. i want to watch a movie. i want to colour the adult coluring book. i want to make a gift for donggyu. theres so many things i wanted to do. but do i accomplish them? 30%? maybe. oh god. thinking about now i feel like i havent done much. sigh...

in addition with my japan trip, i found out that im changing. im being sucked and swirled into the korean society. dont get offended, im not saying its a bad thing. i just want to say that i feel like im losing myself. i hardly say sorry when i accidentally bumped into some one in public. people in japan apologise like shit. ppl doing service job dont seem to be happy. japanese thanked and bowed to u. idk i feel like im comparing too much. but i just feel like sometimes when u step over to the other side u realise the grass aint that green as u thought it was. plastic. but it wears off. and i guess the way to get this problem corrected is to appreciate what u already have so far.

most probably theres a pretty high chance that i will be going back to sg. i may or may not find a job in korea. i miss home. i miss my family. i miss my friends. i miss the food. missing all these just made me realise sometimes when will i be able to let go of what i have in korea. i also have my friends and most importantly my bf. will he come to me in sg? in the later future maybe. that is if we were still together. theres still a long way to go. hes still in the army and have 2 more years of univ to go. i feel like im losing what i have in korea. i feel like unless there is some thing for me to hold on and stay in korea, i might not actually stay.

this is such an emo and depressing post. but this is what i have been feeling lately. this sucks right.. an update in such a long time and boom. emo post. haha. hopefully i will feel more light spirited in the next few days. gonna be dancing. ^^

cheers.

Labels: life

about

you think you know me.

hi my name is Jou Teng and i think koreans are haawt. ;)
i like to eat man tou and drink bubble tea

I was an 엘프 (E.L.F.)
i still take note of 려욱 here and there

호야 from 인피니트 is my new bias. 111228. 리더규 is my 2nd. 3rd Official Inspirit ∞

120323 B.A.P. 힘찬+젤로+대현+종웁

Watch me cheerrox@deviantart.

Dancing is what i like to do. and i want to continue doing it. To some people dancing is a sport, a way to express themselves but to others, it is LIFE.

I love Crescent and im and old girl of ACJC. I love AC Dance Society and my class. I love my og kids and i definitely love my own OGLS. MIZU AND ZURG!

I'm now living in Seoul, a student of Korea Uni Media Dept. I am also on here to fulfill the promise I have for myself. 17th Hip Hop of KUDT. KOREA UNIV DANCE TEAM.

Always keeping the faith.
항상신년울간직해라.

click 'about' and this entire thing will disappear~ *poof* because ive decided to make better use of the space XD

조팅 ♥ Cianra